Ladies On My Mind

A group of odes to the loves and affections of my past.

Monday, June 03, 2013

A Bus Story (my Clannad afterstory)

I recently finished Clannad and so many memories of my own past were jogged. One thing in particular that I remembered was about a girl I had a baby crush on when I was 6.

I grew up in Madison which is a liberal college town. It is also the capitol of Wisconsin. When I was little, segregation and racism were still very prevalent in America where I lived. Although I am white I met with secondary racism a lot because I grew up in a biracial family in a diverse neighborhood. I think the year was 1984.

One of my first childhood friends was a backyard neighbor named Vu who came with his family from Vietnam after the war. We enjoyed talking to eachother and we were both Buddhists in common. We played kung fu and watched kung fu movies together. I still remember how to do a wind spell he taught me.

Vu had 3 sisters and 2 of them were in school with me and they were called May and June. At the time of my tale June was 5, May was 7 and Vu and I were 6.

It was near the end of the school year and the weather was getting very nice in late Spring. I was running late for school so I ran to the bus stop, a couple blocks away. When I got there I realized I had left my bus money at home. If I walked to school I would be late. I was afraid I would miss the bus if I went back for the money. So I waited there and I prayed that I would get a nice bus driver that would let me pay tomorrow, chanting "nam-myoho-renge-kyo" as my mom had taught me.

While I was chanting, I heard Vu call my name from behind. He and his two sisters were coming up the hill to the bus stop. I was excited to see them. May noticed my eyes were puffy and asked if I was crying. I said yes and I told them about my bus fare and asked them if I could pay them back tomorrow. May said she only had just enough for the three of them but she had an idea. "Just pretend your our brother," she said. I argued and said it wouldn't work but she convinced me it would be fine.

Soon, the bus came and they gathered around me so I was in the middle. There were also now five other people at the bus stop with us. So when it was my turn I just walked past the fare box hoping to get lost in the confusion. We went and sat in the back of the bus. "One of you didn't pay," said the bus driver. We just acted like we didn't know anything. This bus driver got up and walked back to us. "Say young man, you didn't pay."

I didn't say anything. Instead, May spoke up and said, "He's our brother. He's only four so he doesn't pay."

The bus driver seemed angry. He pointed at Vu and declared, "Yes, he's your brother," and then pointed at me, "Not him, right? You still need to pay."

May needed to prove her case. I was unprepared for what happened next. I am an only child and had no idea what a sister meant. "No, he's my brother, too." She hugged me gently and dearly with the conviction and feeling of a professional actress. I suddenly was thrust into a world of cuddliness like ten teddy bears. In an instant I was putty.

"You're lying to me. I know you're lying to me. Do you live in the same house?" he asked.

"Yes he lives in my house," said May.

"Now, I know you're just lying to me. I was in Nam for 5 years and saw a million [slur] but I never saw a blonde one."

He looked at me in the eyes and said, "I want you to tell me. Look at me." I sat up and looked at him. "Tell me their names." Well, having grown up next door I knew all their names and I recited them by rote. "You're American, you don't even talk the same. Don't lie to me. Are these your siblings?"

The man's veteran gaze melted me. "No," I confessed. "I left my bus money at home. I can pay you tomorrow."

"I should make you get out and walk. You lied to me. But I don't want you to miss school. You'd better pay me tomorrow," he said. Then he went back to drive the bus. While he drove, he lectured about it, and said the slur once or twice. Some adult said, "Don't talk to those children like that." Then he stopped and it was quiet til we got to school.

After I got home from school I realized I had feelings for May. She was sweet and smart and she had protected me. I decided the next time I saw them on the bus I would confess. I went to the bus the next day and it was a different driver but I payed the extra fare that I owed. Vu, May and June weren't on the bus. Over a month passed and I didn't see them. That seems like forever and a day when you're six. I was dying to ask May to be my girlfriend.

Then one day I went to their house and Vu told me he couldn't let me in because his parents weren't home. All that summer it was the same when I went to Vu's house. Then the next school year came and I saw June, May and Vu when I got on the bus. I was happy, I was finally going to ask her.

I said hi and asked how they were. Then I asked May if she wanted to be my girlfriend. "Maybe," she said. "I'll think about it and tell you tomorrow." I changed the subject and we all talked about other things. A day or two later I saw them on the bus again. I greeted Vu and talked to them about kid stuff and then I asked May if she wanted to be my girlfriend. "No," she said. I asked her why and she said, "My father won't let me. You don't even know my name."

"Sure I do, it's May," I replied.

"No, that's not my name. That's my name at school," she explained, "I have a real name at home with my family. A vietnamese name. I bet you can't even say it."

"Sure I can, I'm real smart," I said. "Can I hear it?" She looked at her sister then looked at me and said it. It was four sounds I had never heard in my life before. But I tried to say it anyway and I knew it sounded nothing like what she said. She had a baffled look that she was both impressed and annoyed. She said, "That's not it. And besides you're a chicken. We got in trouble."

I apologized and then Vu grabbed my shoulder. "She said no. The school called our parents and we got in trouble. We all got spanked and grounded, so leave my sister alone." I was sad but I understood.

Why couldn't I just say one little lie? I could have walked to school and been late. Maybe I could have gone out with May. Well, "May" because I don't know her name.

So that's my childhood love story that I remembered in a dream after a marathon session of Clannad. My "other world". My own side-story, if you will.

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

For Dearest K

For Dearest K

The day is new.
Give me your hand.
I love you.
I just hope we can be together.
& soon you'll see the way I care.
& then one day
I'll find a way
To soothe your heart
& take you away from pain.
There will be love left and no pain.
Draw into me
& allow my healing hand to touch your aches.
You will be better soon.
I miss you.


Friday, August 28, 2009

Nero, Lady

Nero, Lady.
Pele combs her hair.
How close is too close?

I know what you are.
I know where to stand.
I can't keep my mouth shut because you're awesome.

So kill me for being honest.
So I like playing with fire.
I want to know I'm really alive.

So they say, "To live is to die"
Or what is life if it's not worth dying for?
So I find purpose in standing under the swirling clouds and I let the ashes incinerate.

What have I to offer?
Little old me at the foot of Kilauea.

Simple words and gesture.
A little food and wine to offer.
I am humbled.

Like Brigid, your hard work will be exquisite.
Like Lakshmi, you are devotion and honor.
You keep your family.

These simple words I offer to sustain you.
To make you smile.
I bow.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

You Are The Only Woman for Me

I want you to know
You are the only woman fo rme.
I fall deeper for you every time we meet.
You are so sweet I don't think I can--
Or rather I will fall in love with you
But I don't know if I deserve your love.
I will give you my best
I hope I can earn your love.

I can feel you close to my heart
I can now freely say I love you.
Now that I know how you feel
I can give myself to you
It is a good seed we have planted
And germination of a brilliant bugonia has begun.

I want to whisper this in your ear
When we are in deep embrace:
You are the only woman for me.
I am going to look deep in your eyes
To feel the warmth of our heart
Penetrate my essence.
I want to deepen our union
I am going to take the best care of you I know how.
I will think of things to cheer you up
So you know how special you are to me.
You are my shining star.
I am in awe to know what it feels like to be your lover.

We are special and we have what it takes to make it.
We are thoughtful to eachother
We give eachother our best.
We work hard for ourselves and eachother.

I am going to share something very special with you.
The next time we are alone.
It is indescribable.
It is a feeling I call faerie dust.
I think vvery soon we will fall very deeply in love.
My sense is telling me to go for it.
I am giving you my heart.

I am so excited at the prospect of us both being
Sucessful in our careers
Because of our faith in God
And our love to motivate us.
You are the only woman for me.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

New Found Glory

Well, Once upon a time
A garnet stone
Placed in the cup of blood
Was worn as a vow
Never would she do as she did she said.

Why constant feelings did arise
Did make solemn
Did create a construct of bliss.

The parliamentary promenade
Did witness
and Did applaud.

But there love was turned cold as her negativity
Her torture
Her discontent.

She cant point the finger at me
Wipe the gun
Make a mockery of me.

The day of reckoning holds for me no reproach
The broken glass holds truth: I wasn't best
I was fury
I was bestial
I was Provoked
I tried to run
I was pushed into a corner
The disrespect
The displaced anger
I tired of it quickly
My desparation,

I can see this new life is better.
No matter how much it hurts now.
I can see a brighter future

Thanks to the stabilizing courage of my lovely baby girl,
My personal Lord and Savior,
My volcanic diligence.

"Nothing can stop me now 'cause I don't care"?
Nothing can stop me because I care enough.

Look for flowers
Look for feathers
Look for pretty stones.

So You can adorn them
and Admire them
and Nymph-like gaze upon azimuth
and fidget her ankles
and blush

A down to earth guy
But she's no free maintanence girlfriend.

I'll make her happy
and Proud
and Glad to have me in her life.

Sometimes I ask myself
Whether I am giving to Her
Or punishing her prior.

And the answer is she shares with me
And I with her
And forget her prior.

Be a righteous dude,
And a dextrous contributor
And my brothers' keeper

Chanel is such a darling
I admire her courage
It inspires me

I tell her she's pretty
She coys away
And I am lost for words.

So to her I say now:
There is a mighty jagged peak
In the heart of Switzerland
Known as the Matterhorn
It is sheer
and Does not anything beautiful

Yet it is majestic, stoic, solemn,
Pure, constant, unique
In that God made it different, special, outstanding
It's a testament to Him.
Truth taken on whole it's beautiful.

Thus I say to you:
Your lips are beautiful for the yearning they portend.
Your heart and lust are beautiful like a hearth and sooth my soul.
God made you a testament to His glory.

Remember this and know this when I or anyone
Speak to your beauty.
and If you tend to disagree.

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Friday, March 10, 2006

The Garden

When I first saw the sunrise
She held my breath
I walked tenatively
In the crisp morning air

As the day grew 'long
I began to take work
Sowing the seeds
Of flowers of beauty unpassed

In the noontime they spring
Little sprouts green and tender
And picking the weeds
I took to task

And many buds arose
And round them peat fresh
With compost rich
Into the Earth did I prepare

In eventide blooms
Proliferous and grand
Full as open hand
Of a costumed chile presumes

Clipped the best and brightest
By stem and leaf
Delivered them fro
Unto you, my fair

In the vase on the table
For dinner the decor it made
For my efforts you rewarded
Me with supper made

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

As Soft As Dew

mi lindita
How I miss you so
The men around town called you a whore
It angers me because I know you as woman and so much more
My sister, dear sister from life well before
Would I have a hundred million I'd wish to give you more.
alone girl,
In faerie dust ye glow.
Only you could be so deep
To share the secrets I keep,
The dreams I draw while I sleep
And bare the scars that make me weep.

Every day gone I your window passed
And next time I'd express my love at last.
For two years, close friend I cast
In your direction I hoped to find the everlast.
Did I waste my breath so procrast?
Or fear to end a friend so chaste.
The best I can do
Is wish it weren't to late to say "I love you."

But I knew you knew;
Butterfly kisses as soft as dew.
And since you were slew,
I saw a butterfly I true was you.
It took place to land on my hand as soft as dew.
I heard it say "I love you too,"
And took to the wind when it finally blew.
At last a smile grew,
And fel sweet as tears as soft as dew.